Let’s discuss the male species

I’ve done the talk on girls and how annoying they can be in relationships, so here’s my one on males. But this one is different girls. This one is here to inspire and enlighten you all about the male species. Boys: listen up. Let’s pretend for a minute that I know everything, and that my life experiences are better than yours. Done it? It shouldn’t have been that hard, after all. Sure, at 19 I must know everything, right? I mean, that’s what we all think anyway. And so here I shall begin to answer your many qualms about life and how it all works. Because, like I said, I know everything there is to know. Oh, especially about men (did I mention I’m single?).

After various discussions with both the female and male species, my research has enabled me to have a completely unbiased view of the male gender – despite being a female myself. A teenaged female, if you will. What’s that song, a girl but not yet a woman? I dunno, my boss sings it to me all of the time. Shut up, Britney.

But I’m getting sidetracked. The other day I was discussing the many qualms of life with one of my older friends. She was telling me about her own experiences, marriage, divorce, cheating – she’s experienced it all. And despite myself being some sort of rare, angelic female who was revirginised when I stepped through the cleansing doors of the Vatican City cathedral – only to have it taken AGAIN by the same male – I was somewhat enticed in that dangerous side of life. Isn’t everyone? Let’s just call her the yang to my yin (gotta add some yoga chat in here somewhere).

She was talking about how no matter what you have, you’re never really happy. My wise owl explained that marriage can just be filled with disappointment, the single life can sometimes grow lonely and tedious, and that all that happens is you just exert all of this energy on some sort of falsehood of a romantic relationship. This was not music to my ears. In fact, this is the kind of thing that makes them bleed. Are we not brought up on countless fairytales where the handsome prince always comes to carry us away from our problems on his handsome steed and into the sunset? I am a hopeless romantic (I kinda have to be, I study English Lit), drawn to a guy who can make me laugh, blush and swoon all at the same time. I’m kidding about the blush thing, I don’t even know if I do blush? As for swooning, I don’t really know what that is but I think I want too…

Whatever. What I’m trying to say is that this current generation of males is somewhat disappointing. Yes, I realise that I previously wrote a post about females being too demanding – but is a relationship not some sort of exchange of wants and needs from each partner? We give you guys sex (I’m not kidding, sometimes we’re seriously not in the fucking mood), and you give us hearts and candles and roses. However, I feel as if perhaps chivalry is becoming something of the past. We give you our stupid love endorphins, even if we don’t want too, and then what? You go off and get some more stupid love endorphins from another girl! Love endorphins everywhere! All for you and none for us! You selfish bastards.

That’s the thing. We don’t like sharing, we get jealous, and we can be petty – extremely petty. Yet here you males are, having a whinge because some girl you were ‘casually fucking’ got feelings and now you’ll have to find a new one. You poor thing – my heart bleeds for you.

The thing is girls, I thought I had the whole guy thing in the bag. And I’m not speaking from many experiences, because I only have a few. So you’d think that a guy would love a girl who’s perfectly independent and capable of holding her own, right? ERRRR WRONG. No no, boys like girls that they can somewhat look after. But not too much, because then of course you become needy. So it has to be the perfect balance. And now I ask YOU – what the fuck is the perfect balance and where’s the rule book on that? No, ‘Woman Are From Mars and Men Are From Venus’, you don’t know shit anymore. Relationships this century can suck.

To be honest with you all, it’s kind of a head fuck trying to understand guys as much as it is for them to understand girls. They say that the chase is better than the catch, but from my few experiences, I’m not nearly as interested in a guy when they’re chasing the shit out of me – but as soon as I’m chasing them I’m panting like a fat dog after a ten minute walk. So how do we do it? How do we work out some sort of agreement if we’re both chasing each other back and forward? Can we not just be like the goddamn penguins? I’d rather take a pebble than this constant game of chase, no wonder we all played it as children in Primary School.

Gotta tell you, I might have insinuated that I have every single idea about men that there is to know. But I’m just as fucking lost as you are. So lost, in fact, that I’ve thrown in the towel and decided enough is enough. Yes, I understand that I’m so straight it hurts (it really does) – but I’m pretty happy focusing on me for a while before that whole knight in shining armour shows up with flowers and candles and rose petals. But of course, then I’m probably just going to tell him to get lost anyway.

Good luck to you girls, and good luck to me, because I feel like we need all the support we can get. It’s a hard world out there, but maybe it’s time to climb down that tower all on our own. Besides, short hair is totally in right now, so if the guy does show up, the poor sod has nothing to climb anyway.

And as for you guys? Enjoy your arm workout because we’re pretty sick of your shit.

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