The day I met myself

You know when you’re a little kid, and you put on those costumes of superheroes or mystical creatures or avocados or whatever? Well if you don’t, then you missed out on an incredible childhood, I loved dressing up as an avocado. Anyway, those moments enabled us to take on this other person for a while, to pretend and act as if we were someone else. So why is it, that when we’re older, some of us don’t know who we are?

Yes, we’re getting fucking serious today, and I’m going to tell you moments of my life that hold vast significance to me. Do you care? No? Well you’re going to find out anyway.

I’ve always struggled with that whole ‘who am I?’ question. And yeah, for me it was possibly more of a difficulty to understand due to my inability to mentally ground myself. Basically, I had no idea who the fuck I was. Since I was a giant nerd who loved (and still does love) reading books, I would honestly read the shit out of them and incorporate those main characters into my own persona. Literally.

For those of you who haven’t noticed, I’ve always had a small (okay, huge) addiction to the tv show ‘Gossip Girl’. How many times have I seen it? I don’t know. But I was always fascinated by the character Blair Waldorf, and for some reason in my previous mentality, I wanted to be just like her. My entire childhood and youth I spent time obsessing over characters in books and movies, not only because I saw them as some sort of inspiration, but also because I wanted to incorporate them into myself. I wanted to be these characters.

And for a while, I seriously tried. Read a book where the character doesn’t have a boyfriend? Well, I dumped my boyfriend (that’s not a joke it actually happened). Watch a show where the character said a specific word all the time? Welcome to my vocabulary. A specific character had a coffee addiction? Well that’s when I became an addict myself. I was so fixated on these characters and being anyone other than myself, that I ended up being genuinely confused as to what kind of person I was anymore. And for a while, I felt as if my entire personality was this mixture of characters from novels and movies. I was confused, but I still kept going because I was scared that people wouldn’t like the real me.

Of course, this brings us to that peak moment where I realised that I needed to stop. That I had to just express who I was as a person, those who like me can have my company, and those who don’t can literally fuck off. But I didn’t realise this until I dyed my hair brown.

Oh yes, dying my hair brown. The constant thought that had been played through my mind every time I watched ‘Gossip Girl’, or ‘How to be Single’ or even, ‘Doctor Who’. These girls on these shows are GORGEOUS, and I wanted to look that good. So, I finally made the choice, despite the protests that everyone had, and did it. $100 later, there I was. A washed out brunette who looked like she needed a serious tan. Okay, some of you complimented me on it, but I know you’re all fucking liars. I looked sick, and not in the cool way.

But…I don’t regret it. I dyed my hair because I felt different on the inside, no longer had the mass influence of a specific individual who didn’t want me to dye my hair brown, and I wanted to, of course, be someone else for a while. In making this mistake, I realised how much of an influence that these FAKE characters were making on my life. They weren’t making me more likeable, and especially not pretty. They were washing me out, just like my hideous brown hair.

It’s only been a few months since I did it, but that was my tipping point, my moment of realisation. Other influencers, whether they be these characters or people in your life, should never make you want to change who you are to fit in or feel more comfortable. You are you, so if you haven’t met yourself, shake your own hand and call it a day.

Last night, a friend of mine said that she thinks I’m fearless. I never realised that I was, but I had to deal with my fears in order to express that. You are the choices that you make. Just don’t be a twat and make the choice to dye your hair brown only to end up spending $400 getting it back to how it was in the beginning.

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